An open letter to Matthew Offord MP re. same sex marriage, teachers and schools

Dear Matthew Offord,

I was genuinely shocked to read your response to Nick Lansley’s partner about same sex marriage, as it seems you are suffering from some very basic misconceptions about how schools and how sex and relationships education should work. As I am not one of your constituents I thought I would write an open response to you on my blog.

Before I go into your problematic response about schools I need to ask you about your statements:

“It is my strong personal, moral and religious belief that the institution of marriage is to provide the foundation of a stable relationship in which those two people of the opposite sex procreate and raise a child. That is physically not possible for same-sex couples so I don’t see the point of introducing a law to allow this”

Can I just ask you where you stand on opposite sex couples who are infertile? Who don’t ever want children? Who marry past the age of menopause? Should they still have the legal right to marry? Based on your statements I would assume you would be campaigning for an end to marriage in these cases, or do they get an exemption because they are heterosexual?

In your letter you stated:

“In regard to education, Section 403 of the Education Act 1996 places a legal requirement on schools to teach children about “the importance of marriage”. If marriage is redefined, schools will have no choice but to give children equivalent teaching on same sex marriage, even those children of a very young age, including those at primary school.”

Can I ask you exactly what you think is wrong about that? The 1996 law is sixteen years old and needs updating as does the whole of the legislation and guidance relating to Sex and Relationships Education. We currently only have the 2000 DfE SRE guidance (twelve years out of date) and we are still waiting on the outcomes from the PSHE review. Both the law and guidance pre-dates the Section 28 Legislation (which only actually ever applied to local authorities not schools directly) and also needs to be updated in light of that. There is no mention of civil partnerships in the guidance for example. I absolutely agree with you that teaching about marriage is very important, but I would argue that teaching about equality, tolerance and respect is even more so.

What exactly is your issue with primary school children talking about same sex marriage? Are you falling for the classic ignorant assumption that discussing sexual orientation means you also have to talk about sexuality and sexual activity? You really can separate the two out you know- talking about gay marriage to primary school children does not mean you have to talk about “gay sex” at all. (By the way the concept of “gay sex” is erroneous anyway. Being a sex and relationships educator I do feel I have to point out that the spectrum of sexual activity is NOT confined to one particular sexual orientation. Any sexual activity you can think of can be carried out whether you are in a same sex or opposite sex relationship.)

Alternatively are your worries that talking about same sex marriage to primary school children might make them gay? I have worked with young people for 12 years now, let me tell you that talking to young people about different sexual orientations DOES NOT MAKE THEM GAY. What it absolutely does do is make them more tolerant, respectful and understanding of people’s differences. Can I ask you if you think it is acceptable for a young person to be bullied because of their perceived sexual orientation? To live in constant fear of persecution by people who don’t understand them? One of my proudest teaching and learning moments was covering a lesson on homophobia with a class, a boy with strong faith views shouted out “I WANT TO KILL ALL GAYS” he was angry and convinced this was a course of action they deserved. By the end of the lessons he came to me and said “Miss, I still don’t like it and neither does my faith, but I get what you mean now about not being mean to someone because of it.” For him that was the most monumental shift, and he was a violent angry young man, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be the type to beat someone up for acting “gay” whether or not they actually were. I strongly believe widespread teaching of such lessons would go a huge way in reducing incidences of homophobic bullying and violence. Surely you agree that a reduction in hate crime is a good thing?

Your letter makes it clear you are a man of faith however all major religions teach tolerance and respect and you absolutely can teach about different sexual orientations in a way that does not conflict with faith views. What you seemed to be advocating was that schools be absolutely silent on the issue of sexual orientation, which can only lead to more bullying and violence against individuals who may or may not turn out to be gay but they are perceived to be “different”.

Thanks to addressing issues of homophobia within my previous school, a girl who had previously contemplating drastic steps because of her sexual orientation, had the confidence to confide in me she was a lesbian and from there was able to come out to her mum. Her mum later said to me “I’m glad that she could talk to someone when she couldn’t face me with it, and I’m grateful and relieved that the school were there to support her, without the support who knows what she could have done.” I made a difference to that girl’s life and since then I have devoted my teaching career to supporting young people and the people that work with them around issues in Sex & Relationships Education. It is not over the top to say it really can save lives. Thankfully schools now have a moral and legal duty (see Equality Act 2010) to support all students regardless of ability, gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, and when given the opportunities they do this very well indeed.

You asked “So what will happen to parents who because of religious, or philosophical beliefs take their children out of lessons? ” I also would very much like an answer to that. Parents currently have the right to opt out of Sex and relationships education lessons (but less than 1% do). I would argue that young people should all have an entitlement to sex and relationships education lessons- and if it is not provided by the school then I would expect parents to provide it including teaching about different sexual orientations. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual (LGB) people EXIST, parents simply cannot deny that. They have existed for more than the 2000 years you are glad that “homophobia” has been enshrined for. Well you actually called your homophobic beliefs “views” you stated:-

“Discriminated against and persecuted because they hold views that have been enshrined in our laws and have been the cornerstone of our society for two thousand years.”.

Can you please give me a “for instance” where someone with “views” such as yours has been “persecuted or discriminated against” to the same level as someone who is LGB (or Transgender). Has your stance in life ever led to Verbal abuse? Violent assaults? Being disowned? Murder? Suicide? No? Then please do not be so insulting as to be speaking from a position of privilege and claiming the same level of victimisation. Because it simply IS NOT TRUE.

Your letter asked:

And what of the teachers who object to teaching about same sex marriage. Will they face disciplinary action? How will it affect their careers?

Currently all teachers are expected to have the ability to teach Sex & Relationships Education. It is enshrined in QTS 21 of the Qualified Teacher Standards (although this is likely to change following the current review of teacher skills requirements). However thankfully many schools only ask for teachers willing to cover such topics to cover them, usually they will get additional training for this. This is important. I strongly believe no teacher should ever be forced to teach a subject they are not comfortable or trained in. All teachers are expected to uphold the law and school policies. This includes the Equality Act which “makes discrimination against someone for their real or perceived sexual orientation illegal in the provision of goods, services and facilities. Section 13 of the Sexual Orientation Regulations says that all students have an equal right to education, regardless of their real or perceived sexual orientation.” Therefore I would argue that teachers absolutely should teach about same sex marriage as part of sex and relationships lessons, but I absolutely agree it needs clarifying in law for those teachers in schools expecting all teachers to provide sex and relationships education. Having an ignorant homophobic bigot deliver lessons about homophobia could be incredibly damaging for the young people in those lessons and they are my priority. Not the tiny minority of teachers who may have views that conflict with their duties and responsibilities as teachers and who damage their own careers accordingly. Thankfully the vast vast majority of teachers I know are very supportive of challenging homophobia in schools when given sufficient support and training to do so. They know the damage homophobia can do to our young people.

You also asked:

Will same sex marriage be covered under such subjects as citizenship forming part of the main curriculum taught to our children and tested through examination?”

PSHE (Personal, Social, Health and Economic Education) and Citizenship are two very distinct but complimentary subjects. The law and curriculum surrounding both of them could definitely do with clarifying and updating, but I think you will find that the current debate about changing the law around same sex marriage has already been covered in many citizenship lessons across the land already. It is relevant to the subject and topical. I suspect some students may end up doing coursework on it. It’s already happening. Is that a problem for you?

You stated you have a “strong personal, moral and religious belief” in “the institution of marriage”, As a happily married heterosexual woman I also have a strong personal moral and faith in marriage, I strongly believe it is an institution all couples in loving relationships should be able to enter. In fact Chief Justice Margaret Goodridge said it far better than me:

“Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations….Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.”

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition. Tangible as well as intangible benefits flow from marriage. The benefits accessible only by way of a marriage license are enormous, touching nearly every aspect of life and death. It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a civil right. “

It was my personal and professional values and attitudes that compelled me to respond to your letter. Finally you stated “I do not believe that same sex marriage would serve to enhance British society or its values.” Could you please explain to me how same sex marriage would affect “British Society and values” in any other way than show we are a tolerant and accepting nation that recognises and celebrates individual human rights?

Yours Sincerely

A Teacher of Equality, Compassion, Empathy and Respect.

Relationship Advice for Tweens

So today an article I wrote for JumpMag was published. JumpMag is an inspirational online magazine for girls. No lipgloss or JustinBieber to be found.

The article I wrote was about good relationships. Although written for tweens, I personally think the 5ideas hold true for all relationships of any age so I am also reproducing the advice below:

Relationships are hard at any age.

Remember relationships isn’t just about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but it’s about how you get on with your parents, your friends and other people important to you.

There are certain basic ideas that are important to developing good relationships, you master these and life suddenly becomes a lot less stressful!

I have some ideas that may help you have better relationships with the people you care about

Communication

Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. Sharing things with people in your life is important. We do this mostly by speaking and listening. It is important to share how you feel about things and to listen and try to understand how others feel about things (this is called empathy).

How good are you at both talking AND listening? If you favour doing only one of them in a relationship then this isn’t as balanced as it could be- you probably need to work on doing both and so should the other person.

Also sometimes people might say something but their body language (how someone uses their body or their facial expression) maybe saying something different. Take some time to consider what is your body language saying when you talk? What is their body language saying? Do you make eye contact when you talk?

A key to successful communication is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements- eg. “I feel sad when you call me silly” is better than “You calling me silly makes me sad” because the second one can put the person on the defensive straight away and the conversation can go badly after that.

Negotiation and Consent.

Negotiation means developing an agreement together and consent basically means agreeing to something.
Think about the last time you agreed to something- was it willingly (eg. let’s go to the cinema) or unwillingly (cleaning your bedroom so you could get your pocket money). Did you negotiate to do those things?
Think about why you agreed to do those activities and what the benefits and costs were to you. In the first example, the benefits were that you had fun and got to see a film. Was there a cost to you? Not really, unless you had to pay for your ticket. In this situation, you probably willingly and happily consented to the plan.

In the second example, there were some benefits such as a nice tidy bedroom and getting pocket money, but perhaps there were costs too. You had to stay in and perhaps missed seeing a friend. You might not have been quite so happy to consent to that.

Sometimes we have to consent to something, because it is expected of us, such as doing our chores. Other times it is acceptable to withhold consent. For instance, your friend might ask to borrow your iPod. You do not have to consent to this. The iPod belongs to you and you can decide if you want to lend it.

Or a friend might tell you to do something that you don’t want to do, such as be nasty to another person in your class.

In relationships consent is very important, a relationship where people are constantly forcing you to do things against your will is a negative one. Ask yourself why are they trying to make you do that.

Honesty

Lies and deceit often end up in heartache, it is always best to be truthful and honest, if you don’t feel you can be honest- ask yourself why.

Is it because you are worried about hurting the other person? If so consider ways of saying what you need to say so it is less hurtful. If it is because you are trying to protect yourself from hurt then consider what is going on within that relationship that is making you lie. Consider ways of strengthening the honesty in the relationship. Commit to being honest with them and ask them to be honest with you.

Trust

In order to feel safe, comfortable and relaxed with someone and to develop a close relationship with them, we need to be able to trust the people closest to us. Remember being open and honest with people helps them build up trust in you. If you can’t trust someone close to you- ask yourself why and consider what you might need to do to develop a trusting relationship. Discuss trust with the other person and what it means to both of you.

Respect

Do you respect yourself, or do people “walk all over you”, do you respect your friends? Your parents? Consider what respect means to you. Is it being clever? Popular? Pretty? Are these positive or negative things. How do people earn respect? Consider why it is important to be respectful in relationships. What might happen if you don’t have respect in a relationship? Remember Eleanor Roosevelt once said “remember no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

Start applying these 5 ideas to your life today and see what happens! We’d love to hear how you get on with them!

Sex Education Video or “explicit sex film”?

Okay so today I read this, and this and I decided I needed to blog about this some more.

Firstly I need to add the disclaimer I am not a primary school sex education specialist as most of my work concerns secondary aged students however I am a mum of children who will one day be going to primary school so I am as keen as the next parent to know what is going on in schools regarding their sex education.

As it happens I have a copy of the BBC Active Sex and Relationship Education DVD* at home in my resource bank but I have never had opportunity to use it-  so I fired up the laptop to watch it in it’s entirety.  I’m afraid I don’t know how to screen grab, but I insert the same pics as from the Mail website:

In the articles I linked above, the word “graphic” is continually used but to be frank, often the only thing graphic about them is they are drawn images, I have definitely seen a lot more graphic explicit cartoon images than those just by doing a google image search! I think this is a very deliberate use of the word to encourage people to jump to erroneous conclusions about the material. There are also some real life naked people within the resource, but I’m not sure what is “graphic” about a naked human body. Isn’t it simply what we all look like under our clothes!?

The other word continually used is “explicit”,- one definition of “explicit” is “having sexual acts or nudity clearly depicted” which yes the video does show nudity and cartoon drawn or computer generated images- but the spin being put on it, by SPUC and the Mail, is that this is akin to showing pornography, and it is “paedophilic” to show it to children (there is another rant in me on about that vile accusation but will leave it for tonight!).  Believe me the videos are the least pornographic (and least sexy or titillating images I have ever seen!).  Obviously would be wholly inappropriate to deliberately show pornography to school children as part of a sex education lesson (but remember many of primary school children are seeing such images online or even in magazine stands without parental knowledge or explanation).   Yes the CD-ROM shows the mechanics of sex (which they call “making love”-and the importance of positive romantic relationships is continually reinforced), but to be quite honest, I would be more than happy for the vast majority of the CD-Rom to be shown to my children at 9 years old.  If I was a primary school teacher I would also be happy to use this resource in the classroom as it actually is a really good teaching tool.

Bearing in mind this resource is designed for 9-11 year olds (ie. it isn’t ALL to be shown in Y5),  as a parent I would probably be more comfortable if the “making love video” and “computer sex animation video” was shown at an age they typically start asking more questions about the actual mechanics of sex, which in my experience usually does come in year six/ year seven ie. when they are eleven-ish.   (However if they ask the questions earlier I would tell them or maybe show them those sections earlier.)

That is what is so frustrating about the media reporting on this.  It ISN’T “EXPLICIT SEX VIDEOS FOR 9YEAR OLDS” at all, but the headline “cheesy cartoon on “making love” to support 11year olds’ sex education” isn’t nearly as exciting is it?  I know how teachers use such materials- they will pick and choose the bits they are most comfortable with and leave out the bits they are not, I would be extremely surprised if many primary school teachers had shown the “making love” video or sexual intercourse sections to their nine year olds- (but if they had made a professional judgement that their class was mature enough and ready to watch that video with parental support, then I would also support them in that.).  It is important to also bear in mind their current playground misconceptions (plus the general sex in media issue that our young people are being exposed too constantly from a young age)  are probably a lot ruder and much more explicit than anything the DVD-Rom actually shows and clarifies.

It is so frustrating that yet again the media are seizing on a small section of a resource that may not even be used in 30% of primary schools (I have no idea how many schools use this resource but I would say 30% is a very generous estimate) and ranting about it as if it was indicative of primary school sex education as a whole when it really isn’t.  But even if it was – those videos and images are not inappropriate at all for Y5, Y6 and Y7 students to see.  I would be more than happy for my kids’ school to use that resource with my own children and I know many other parents who would feel the same.

Personally I actually am quite disappointed that yet again the government seems to have got sidetracked, into expending it’s energy on challenging a media provider to review a resource that has been already available for 5 years, instead of what we so desperately need which is to properly sorting sex education once and for all with proper guidance and training for teachers, and decent support for parents.  But I am hopeful and optimistic that this is coming.

For parents worried about sex education in primary schools and sex education in general please my previous posts:

• Primary School Sex Education
• 10 tips for Parents discussing SRE with their children

Or feel free to contact me to discuss further- sexedukation@gmail.com

*The Mail article appears to be confusing this video with the Channel4 Learning Living and Growing resource which is also pretty decent but I don’t have a copy at home (it used to be available on teachers TV but isn’t anymore) but I have watched in full and again I would be more than happy for my kids to be shown diff clips at different age appropriate ages- led by their questions and needs.

Why Michael Gove is WRONG about SRE/PSHE

I read this yesterday and was apopleptic that yet again this government are possibly heading on a course that will again do a massive disservice to our children and young people.  Not only are children and young people disproportionately affected by the cuts but they seem to lack basic understanding about what children and young people actually need.  (Not suprising when the secretary of state for education has never actually been a teacher or worked in a school or with young people. Sigh.)

Michael Gove seems to be labouring under a massive misapprehension that distracting kids with academia will distract them from thinking about relationships and/or sex or risky behaviour! UM what planet is this man on!? ! Was he never a teenager himself? (Don’t answer that- I suspect the answer might be rude )

In my experience of working with children and young people, they are far from the underage sex/obsessed drink fuelled hoodies the media would have us believe.  They are wonderful, sensitive, passionate, articulate soon to be adults.  They are desperate to succeed in life – but for them success comes in more ways than academic success- success for them is often being popular, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, having lots of friends etc. Being a teenager is a HARD path to navigate, with lots of pressures and temptations to negotiate, most of the time these pressures and temptations occupy alot of the teenagers mind (this is different to saying kids are obsessed with sex- I don’t think they are!).  Ask any pastoral leader in a school in this country about what the most of the problems they deal with are and it will be bullying, behaviour, friendship or relationship issues, often the academic stuff comes second to all of that.

That’s the most frustrating thing about all of this- a student who is being bullied, or who has broken up with a partner, or who needs to get the morning after pill somewhow is next to useless in a lesson on any subject.  Until that problem is sorted THEY CANNOT AND WILL NOT LEARN EFFECTIVELY.   What they need is more not less PSHE and SRE to help them to navigate life- to help them to deal with stress, to help them know where to get help if they are being bullied, to help them know where to get the morning after pill, to help them to be more assertive and confident and so on and so on.  It is no coincidence that schools where PSHE/SRE is central to the schools ethos tend to have higher academic achievement.  Because  the students in those schools are supported so effectively they are able to learn and thus academically achieve.

That isn’t rocket science- that’s very basic understanding of human nature and learning, what a shame our Education Secretary seems to lack understanding of both.

P.S But to cheer me up I am very heartened to read this about one incredible young person, fighting to stop 71% youth service cuts. Amazing- and you know what? I bet it was his PSHE/Citizenship lessons that gave him the information and confidence to start this.

Teaching about Abortion in Schools

*bangs on a drum loudly until have attention of all teachers across the land*

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Inviting anti-abortion organisations into schools IS ABSOLUTELY NOT “enabling students to be able to come to a balanced view of the topic“ (as one teacher claimed when the Guardian exposed what was being covered by such organisations*)

The Fab Education for Choice put it far better than I ever could:

Schools often like to stimulate interesting debate about abortion by inviting speakers from pro-choice organisations to balance the views given by ‘pro-life’ (anti-abortion) organisations. Anti-abortion organisations think that abortion is unacceptable in any situation and would like to see the practice outlawed. The opposing view to this would be a pro-abortion stance – the view that abortion is always the right solution to unwanted pregnancy. This is not a view held by any organisation. Instead, agencies that value young people’s health and recognise their rights will support an individual to make their own decision about pregnancy for themselves. The view of these organisations is balanced, in and of itself.

Debating the issues from a pro-abortion v anti-abortion perspective does not help young people to acquire the attitudes, skills and knowledge they need to be able to make their own, informed choices about sex, pregnancy and abortion. Instead it simplifies the issues, stigmatises abortion as an option, and polarises the discussion, which the Department for Education advises against:
“It is all too easy to create a classroom debate in which pupils’ views become polarised and miss the purpose of sex and relationship education in preparing pupils for the responsibilities and challenges of adult life. When abortion is covered within a programme, the challenge is to offer young people the opportunity to explore the dilemmas, enable them to know and understand about abortion, and develop the communication skills to discuss it with parents and health professionals.”
Sex and Relationship Education Guidance, DfEE, 2000

For more information please go and read their brilliant- Abortion Education Toolkit.

Please please very carefully consider any outside speaker you invite into your school and use this excellent guidance from the Sex Education Forum to guide you.

 

*and please note some anti-abortion organisations have been exposed several times to be peddling in lies and truth distortions which simply is not right or fair to our young people.

Rant Over.

The Obsession with Penis in Vagina (PIV) Sex

A discussion tonight on twitter about Gina Ford and her postnatal sex advice got me thinking more widely about societal obsession with “penis in vagina” sex as the “be all and end all”.

*rant alert* that’s a very narrow definition of what sex is. The wonderful Scarleteen have written many a marvellous article about this (which I will try and come back and link to when I get a moment) but I just wanted to highlight to those teaching sex education in schools that solely offering such a narrow perspective on sexual activity does your students a disservice (also is not very inclusive of LGB students). Also here is an interesting report from Kinsey exploring what sex is to different people.

Remember your lessons should always cover the foundations of a healthy sex life- trust, communication, respect etc. but I really think it is really important that teachers try to address this narrow perspective on sex where PIV sex is the only type of sex discussed. Not least so any budding Gina Ford’s in your class can be more informed

Happy Educating!

International Woman’s Day- Teaching about Consent.

Happy International Women’s Day!

“Today Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg shows his support for The Home Office’s Teenage Rape Prevention campaignlaunched on 5 March. He warns that rape is not just about violent attacks by strangers but also includes non-consensual sex within a relationship and highlights the need to get young people talking about the importance of consent.”

Taken from my Sex Education Forum Bulletin I just received via email- you can get it too by signing up here.

Consent can be a tricky thing to teach.  As well as covering the legal aspects of consent it is important to discuss notions of active consent and what abuse and coercion can look like. I really really love the way Scarleteen do this here (About navigating consent) and here (about body boundaries).

An interesting way to explore consent with young people is to discuss different scenarios with them with giving them traffic light cards (a red, amber, green card) and reading out a lengthy scenario and asking them to hold up the card as to whether the point in the story is Consenting (Green- good to go), Consensual grey area/ unsure (Amber) or Non-Consenting (Red -Stop).

The main scenario types you should explore are:

a) “Consent” under the influence of drink or drugs.

b) “Consent” under the influence of one partner’s coercion.

c) “Consent” due to previous sexual activities being consented to.

It can be very interesting to do this with the young people closing their eyes to remove peer pressured responses, and to compare the responses from the different genders. It can be tricky sometimes to come to a “consensus on consent” so allow plenty of time for discussion.

Also very interesting to use the Haven’s Where is your line? Campaign Video using the traffic light cards. (bewarned it is a hard hitting video so view it first to assess suitability for your class).

These are just some of the ways I like to explore consent with young people. I have many more ideas but I am supposed to be on maternity leave and no time to blog them all!!

If you have any more ideas for exploring consent with young people please do share them.

Happy Educating.

A lesson idea- A baby cries- The realities of parenthood

Recently I have been pondering about how hard it is to be a parent (having a newborn, a tantruming toddler and losing your dad in the space of a few weeks will do that to you!).  It’s a difficult message to get across to wannabe future parents as really you can’t get any proper idea of how hard it is until you actually experience it for yourself.  Some schools have access to those RealCareBabies (which cry and need looking after (with different settings from placid baby to very challenging) and a computer chip records how well the student did) for their parenting lessons. But these are an extremely expensive resource and not available to every student.  They also don’t give any of the lovely aspects of parenthood, the smiles, the coo’s, the chuckles, watching the change in development every single day.  Also the research is limited as to their effectiveness in teenage pregnancy prevention (a “white paper” produced by the company was all I could find in the time I had and I wasn’t convinced by their evidence!)  *

I think the most important thing to consider when choosing resources to use around parenting education is what you are aiming to get out of them, and whether they offer value for money.  Talking to other colleagues about such products the consensus seems to be that they are useful for stimulating a lively and informative discussion, but very limited use in behaviour or attitudinal change**, and frankly I don’t think they are worth the money.   I’m passionate about supporting teachers with tools that are easily accessible and easy to use so I have been pondering alternatives (cheap/free) to RealCare Babies (I tried “flour babies” once in a school- by that afternoon other kids (not in my class) had turned the “flour babies” into “flour bombs” so the Head called a stop to that little experiment! Ooops!).  As a less messy alternative  I decided to take a  recording of my darling 7week old crying (unfortunately babies do cry sometimes even when fed, changed, winded etc- this was one of those times- I’m not some horrible meanie who records my daughter instead of tending to her needs! She was being cuddled and rocked while I recorded and settled soon after)

I was pondering about the whether and how this recording could be used in lessons to explore one of the realities of new parenthood. The sound of a crying baby can be absolutely torturous to hear especially on next to no sleep, as Sarah comments below “I never knew the anger and frustration a baby crying could ignite in a person” and I think this aspect is worthwhile exploring with anyone considering becoming a parent as part of a balanced planned program of parenting education ie. not one that focuses solely on the negatives of parenthood!  I often think sex education can often be guilty of focusing too much on the negatives and not on the positives of sex, relationships, pregnancy and parenting with some kind of misguided “preventative approach” but I don’t think this is effective.  The most important thing supporting students to be able to  think critically about their future options and what may affect them and help them with developing skills to cope with what life throws at them.  Using this recording and lesson ideas should be done with this in mind.

Some of the  ideas I had about how this recording might be used:

a) Play it at random intervals during lessons on parenting. Whenever it plays the students have to stop what they are doing pat their shoulders and rock back and forth for while going sh sh sh sh sh for at least 5 minutes after the recording played (to give them an idea of how dull and hard it can be to settle an upset baby!) (for extra effect you could always throw curdled milk (vomit) (or even chicken korma sauce (nappies)) at them- but perhaps that is overkill- hehe!).

b) Play the recording and brainstorm all the reasons that could have caused the crying (hungry, tired, bored, teething, windy, ill, stressed, uncomfortable, dirty nappy, overstimulated etc etc) and what needs to be done (make sure you include sometimes babies just cry even when you have covered all the bases.) Discuss with the class how the recording makes them feel. How would it make them feel if the crying continued for hours or was every 20 minutes all night long? Discuss the kind of support they might need with dealing with a crying newborn. Get students to ask people they know who already have babies how they feel about their babies crying and report back to the class.

c) Play the recording on a loop in the background for a section of the lesson. Discuss with the students how it made them think and feel, were they able to concentrate? Did they feel resentful of the noise? If the noise continued what would they have done. Discuss with them how they felt about their focus becoming the needs of a  crying baby rather their own needs in the lesson.

Do you have any better ideas about how to use such a recording? If you do use it in a lesson I would love to hear how it went- please comment below or email me!

If you do such a lesson I think it would be worthwhile exploring and discussing with the young people how they felt about the lesson. What did it make them think about being a parent? Do they think it was a sucessful lesson and why?

Disclaimer: This approach isn’t a tried and tested approach- I have never used the recording in a lesson but I would be interested to see how such a lesson went and what the young people thought of it as an approach.

*At some point- (when less sleep deprived!) I will do a proper blogpost about RealCare Babies and the Teens and Toddlers approach and in fact other strategies supposedly designed to reduce teenage/unplanned pregnancy and the issues around that.

** and there is another blogpost in that around behaviour/attitudinal change and sex and relationships education! (watch this space!)

In memory of my dad

By wonders of technology I can update my blog from my phone whilst feeding my 5week old! Although I am supposed to be on a blogging break this post was important to me to write.

My dear old dad died two weeks ago unexpectedly. He never got to meet his latest granddaughter.

I wanted to write a post in his memory as it is thanks to him I do what I do.

My dad was a lecturer at a teacher training college until he retired when I was three. (my mum was also a lecturer and my maternal grandparents were teachers so it’s in the blood). He was passionate about education particularly teaching us random facts about rocks! He always encouraged me and supported me to get into teaching.

My dad always accepted me no matter what (even during my miserable goth questioning identity phase!) and taught me so much about equality, tolerance and respect. Partly it was so effective coming from him as his background didn’t really share those values at all, and if you knew my dad you might be surprised he was that way.

When I was 18 we went on a trip to explore Edinburgh University (where I ended up studying). He knew I was interested in HIV and he found a display in a church (although non religious he loved looking round churches!) about the virus with handouts, he brought the handouts back to me and encouraged me to write to the man who wrote them. I did and through the exchange of letters I realised that I really wanted to work in the field of HIV education, so when a couple of years later I was offered the chance to go to South Africa on an HIV education project I leapt at the chance. My dad was so supportive helping me fundraise. A mate of his was in the rotary club so he got me in with them who helped fund my trip. It was an incredible experience. My dad picked me up from the airport when I returned from South Africa the second time (I returned a year later as co-ordinator of the project) and I wept all the way home I was so sad to have left South Africa. My dad was reassuringly quiet and let me get on with it but I knew he was there if I needed him.

I know my dad was incredibly proud of all that I have achieved so far in my career. He supported me with my masters in sexual health (not quite finished yet!) and I interviewed him once about his own experience of sex education in the 40′s/50′s (my dad was 77) and he gave a fascinating insight into what sex ed was like for boys back then (his experience seems to have been more liberal than one might expect- message being more about being careful of VD than abstaining (which was my mum’s experience in the 60′s)

My dad never failed to surprise me. When I told him about the recent Dorries abortion counselling attempted amendment he was furious. I hadn’t seen him so fired up since he dragged us all on the miners strikes in the 80′s (my claim to fame is toddler me met Arthur Scargill!). He wanted to get demonstrating (but missed it) but emailed all his pals and made them write to MP’s and sign petitions. I was really surprised as had never thought about abortion rights being something that was so important to him as if you met my he really didn’t fit a “feminist liberal stereotype” at all- more a grumpy old man with a heart of gold!

But he really was the most awesome dad – he often drove me completely mad (we were very similar and often clashed) and I remember once when I was little informing my mother that I wished my dad wasn’t my dad. To which she responded “don’t be daft, if your dad wasn’t your dad, you wouldn’t be you”. Which of course is true.

So to my lovely dad. I will miss you everyday and I thankyou so much for shaping me into me and I know that you will always live on in me and in your beautiful grandaughters. R.I.P.

Maternity Leave

I am on maternity leave from now until some point in the future. I think I am supposed to set a proper return date and stick to it to prevent workaholic tendencies but I also know the Dorries bill coming up at the end of this month and the publication of the PSHE review results is likely to have me sneaking back on here venting my spleen so I won’t set any official return date- just don’t be surprised if my blogging/tweeting is quite quiet for a while.